Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Assassins do it from behind.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Im I crazy?
Jokes I found from somewhere.
You might probably call me crazy......inevitable...DUH!!
1."Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.",
2."I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.",
3."A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'",
4. "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.",
5. "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.",
6. "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.",
7. "There are only three laws of nature, and one exception:- 1) F=ma; 2) E=m(c squared); 3) You can't push a rope - From these three laws all others can be derived.",
8."Old mathematicians never die, they just lose their functions.",
9."Old astronauts never die, they just go to another world",
10."The faster you go, the shorter you are - Einstein",
11."All that glitters has a high refractive index.",
12."The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest",
13."Going at the speed of light is bad for your age.",
14."Gravity: Not just a good idea...it's the LAW.",
15. "Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm)",
16."A probability is a desperate attempt of chaos to become stable.",
17."Old chemists never die, they just smell that way.",
18."Life is a sexually transmitted disease",
19."Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.",
20."SATTINGER'S LAW: It works better if you plug it in.",
21."Murphy's Mother's Law: My son was right...",
22."JENKINSON'S LAW: It won't work.",
23."O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS: Murphy was an optimist.",
24."JONES'S LAW The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.",
25."THE LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.",
26."Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.",
27."Epstein's Axiom: With extremely few exceptions, nothing is worth the trouble.",
28."Bodies in motion tend to remain in motion. Bodies at rest tend to remain in bed.",
29."Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].",
30."Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.",
31."There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other, Do you know how to drive this?",
32."This skeleton walks into a bar and says, I'd like a beer and a mop...",
33."Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible. ",
34."I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ",
35."It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. ",
36."For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.",
37."Four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...",
38."Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.",
39."Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.",
40."Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy.",
41."God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.",
42."Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.",
43."Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.",
44."Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.",
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.",
"Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.",
"How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.",
"I am going to live forever, or die trying!",
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.",
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.",
"I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.",
"I would never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member",
"I'd like to meet the person who invented sex, and see what he's working on now.",
"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.",
"If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.",
"If God is so great, how come everything he makes dies?",
"If in doubt, mumble.",
"If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.",
"If sound can't travel in a vacuum, why are vacuum cleaners so noisy?",
"If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.",
"If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.",
"If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.",
"If you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.",
"If you look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel.",
"Illiterate? Write for free help.",
"In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.",
"It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.",
"It is better to light one candle than to torch a wax museum with a flamethrower.",
"It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.",
"It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.",
"It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word",
"Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.",
"Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.",
"Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.",
"Life is difficult because it is non-linear.",
"Life: A brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.",
"Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.",
"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.",
"Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.",
"LSD soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess reality.",
"Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.",
"Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one?",
"Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.",
"Matter cannot be created or destroyed; nor can it be returned without a receipt.",
"Microwaves frizz your heir.",
"Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable.",
"Modesty: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.",
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.",
"Mountain climbers rope together to prevent the sensible ones from going home.",
"Necessity is a mother.",
"Never have any children, only grandchildren.",
"Never laugh at live dragons.",
"Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.",
"Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.",
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.",
"No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.",
"Nothing is impossible if you have a big enough hammer.",
"Often it is fatal to live too long.",
"One bit of advice: Don't give it.",
"One thing leads to another, and usually does.",
"Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.",
"Paper is always strongest at the perforations.",
"Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.",
"Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe.",
"People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.",
"Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.",
"Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on Earth.",
"Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.",
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished. ",
"There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a
chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner. ",
"Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. ",
"The average Australian has one testicle and one breast and less than two legs",
"Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.",
"Mermaid mathematicians wear algaebras.",
"Moebius strippers only show you their back side.",
"Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.",
"I can travel through time, and I do ... at the unremarkable rate of one second per second.",
"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.",
"All that glitters is not gold, but at least it contains free electrons.",
"A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.",
"Thunder is a rich source of loudness.",
"The wind is like the air, only pushier.",
"WETHERN'S LAW: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.",
"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.",
"Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.",
"Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.",
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met",
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...",
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.",
"I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.",
"Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.",
"A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.",
"The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.",
"If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produce enough sound energy
to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)",
"If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.",
"A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.",
"Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.",
"An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.",
"The 7 Dwarves were in bed feeling happy. Then Happy got out, so they felt grumpy.",
"six munfs ago I cudn’t even spel executiv .now I am butter.",
"Old accountants never die ,they just lose their balance.",
"If we learn from our mistakes, then I am getting a fantastic education.",
"Diarrhoea waits for no man.",
"Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.",
"The road to success is usually under construction.",
"God is silent. Now if we can only get Man to shut up.",
"Reincarnation is making a comeback.",
"Some people are like blisters - they appear when the work is done.",
"The meek shall inherit the earth - if that's all right with you?",
"Autopsy is a dying art.",
"If God meant us to fly - he'd buy the tickets.",
"Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children.",
"I wouldn't be paranoid if people didn't pick on me.",
"Save trees - eat a beaver.",
"Keep death off the roads - drive on the pavement.",
"Watership Down: You've read the book, you've seen the film - now try the stew.",
"An elephant is a mouse designed to government specification.",
"Save water - dilute it.",
"I used to be arrogant, but now I'm perfect.",
"Prevent accidents - start doing things on purpose.",
"Graffiti in men's public toilet: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING UP ON THE WALL FOR? THE
JOKE IS IN YOUR HANDS.",
"Graffiti on condom machine in pub toilets: Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber.",
"God must love stupid people...He made so many!",
"Incest is relative",
"How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb? ",
"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.It's just the drunker I sit
here the longer I get.",
"Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.",
"I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.",
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.",
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.",
"Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.",
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.",
"Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency.",
"Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.",
"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.",
"Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.",
"Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.",
"Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.",
"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.",
"I can resist anything but temptation.",
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.",
"Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down",
"Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.",
"The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know.",
"5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.",
"All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.",
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.",
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. ",
"The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. ",
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. ",
"I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. ",
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture. ",
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. ",
"I am writing this slowly because I know that you can't read very fast. ",
"Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. ",
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. ",
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit
each other.",
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. ",
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. ",
"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. ",
"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. ",
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. ",
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. ",
"I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers. ",
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. ",
"A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing. ",
"All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power ",
"I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am. ",
"If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft. ",
"Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF ",
"Is it possible to feel gruntled? ",
"It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. ",
"Keyboard Not Found - Press [F1] to Continue ",
"Microsoft Windows... a virus with mouse support. ",
"Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired. ",
"My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours. ",
"My other computer is an abacus. ",
"Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers ",
"Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason. ",
"One tactical thermonuclear weapon can ruin your whole day. ",
"People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses. ",
"Pound forehead on keyboard to continue. ",
"Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark.",
"Show me a sane man, I'll cure him for you. ",
"Some people are, through no fault of their own, sane. ",
"The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.",
"The best way to win an argument is to be right. ",
"The worst thing about censorship is ********************. ",
"To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer.",
"What does ignorant mean? ",
"The hub is on fire. Please leave in an orderly fashion.",
"Your mum's on the phone.",
"Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. ",
"The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. ",
"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. ",
"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control ",
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. ",
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.",
"Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.",
"Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them doing it.",
"Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined",
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.",
"Familiarity breeds children.",
"Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.",
"Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.",
"Don't look now, but there are rings around Uranus.",
"I started out with nothing...I still have most of it. ",
"Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. ",
"If all is not lost, where is it? ",
"It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. ",
"If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished. ",
"More than 90% of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.",
"Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat
begged for bread in as little as two days. ",
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. ",
"Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.",
"Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.",
"Committee: The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.",
"Confidence: The feeling you have before you understand the situation.",
"Confucius say too much.",
"Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.",
"Crime does not pay... as well as politics.",
"Death has been proven to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats.",
"Dentists are incapable of asking questions that need a simple yes or no answer.",
"Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.",
"Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.",
"Don't force it, get a larger hammer.",
"Don't lend people money... it gives them amnesia.",
"Don't use no double negatives, not never.",
"To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before
the air can get back in. ",
"The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. ",
"A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. ",
"Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. ",
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. ",
"A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. ",
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. ",
"File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)",
"Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT' ?",
"Computer: A device designed to speed up and automate errors. ",
"I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details",
"A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. ",
"A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. ",
"Why is the alphabet in that order? ",
"I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem. ",
"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, do the other trees make fun of it? ",
"Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? ",
"Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. ",
"OK, so what's the speed of dark? ",
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. ",
"A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.",
"A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.",
"A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.",
"A committee is an animal with at least six legs, and no brain.",
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.",
"A harp is a nude piano.",
"A soft drink turneth away company.",
"Bachelor: A man who never made the same mistake once.",
"Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats.",
"Best gift for the person who has everything: A burglar alarm.",
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.",
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.",
"Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.",
"By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.",
"Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.",
"Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.",
"Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.",
"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.",
"Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.",
"Speed is n subsittute fo accurancy.",
"Strategy is when you keep firing so the enemy doesn't know you're out of ammo.",
"Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.",
"Sweater: A garment worn by a child when his parent feels chilly.",
"The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.",
"The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.",
"The death rate on Earth is: One per person.",
"The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever.",
"The idea is to die young as late as possible.",
"The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.",
"The other line always moves faster.",
"The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.",
"The second best policy is dishonesty.",
"The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this Earth.",
"The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think.",
"The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.",
"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.",
"The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.",
"The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z.",
"There is an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.",
"There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.",
"There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.",
"Things are more like they used to be than they are now.",
"This is a crude version of a more advanced joke that has never been written.",
"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.",
"Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.",
"To get it done: Do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.",
"Tragedy: A busload of lawyers driving off a cliff with three empty seats.",
"TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.",
"Two heads are more numerous than one.",
"Vote anarchist.",
"We will get along fine as soon as you realize I am God.",
"What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.",
"What is the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same.",
"When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.",
"Whenever anyone says, 'theoretically', they really mean, 'not really'",
"Whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.",
"Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, it was the dinosaur.",
"White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.",
"Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?",
"Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.",
"Women want one man to meet every need; men want every woman to meet one need.",
"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.",
"You look like a million dollars... All green and wrinkled.",
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.",
"Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.",
"Drugs are the scenic route to nowhere.",
"Easiest way to figure the cost of living: Take your income and add ten percent.",
"Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you that day.",
"Eloquence is logic on fire.",
"Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.",
"A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.",
"A watched clock never boils.",
"Accident: When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.",
"Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.",
"Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.",
"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. Mark Twain",
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain",
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. Mark Twain",
"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them. Mark Twain",
"Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to. Mark Twain",
"The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot. Mark Twain",
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. Lily Tomlin",
"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. Gandhi",
"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Albert Einstein",
"The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable. Paul Dean",
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk. Stephen King",
"If you water it and it dies, it's a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed. Gallagher",
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx",
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain",
"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. Mark Twain",
"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.. Mark Twain",
"In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination. Mark Twain",
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. Mark Twain",
"I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection. Groucho Marx",
"I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself. Groucho Marx",
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it . Groucho Marx",
"I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me. Groucho Marx",
"Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know. Groucho Marx",
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. Frieda Norris",
"If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country. Mayor Marion Barry",
"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids. Does this mean that the other three enjoy it? Sal Davino",
"Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking. HL Mencken",
"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget is once. E Joseph Cossman",
"Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others. Oscar Wilde",
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have for instance. Franklin P. Jones",
"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Satchel Paige",
"To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. Benjamin Franklin",
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry",
"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often. Oliver Herford",
"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. Doug Larson",
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. Voltaire",
"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. H.G. Wells",
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde",
"America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up. Oscar Wilde",
"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. Oscar Wilde",
"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. Oscar Wilde",
"(Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded:) Yes, if every other form of
persuasion fails. W C Fields",
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill",
"The Americans will always do the right thing... after they've exhausted all the alternatives.
Winston Churchill",
"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. Sacha Guitry",
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln",
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain",
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx",
"Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them. Abraham Lincoln",
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. George Burns",
"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. George Burns",
"First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did. George Burns",
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city. George Burns",
"The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly. Abraham Lincoln",
"Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand. George Burns",
"I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch. George Burns",
"If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred. George Burns",
"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. George Burns",
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. George Burns",
"You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns",
"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. Groucho Marx",
"Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. Groucho Marx",
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx",
"Blood's not thicker than money. Groucho Marx",
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. Groucho Marx",
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. Groucho Marx",
"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. Groucho Marx",
"Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! Groucho Marx ",
"How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them. Groucho Marx",
"I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home. Groucho Marx",
"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. Groucho Marx",
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx",
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx",
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Groucho Marx",
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Groucho Marx",
"Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx",
"Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here! Groucho Marx",
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. Groucho Marx",
"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. Groucho Marx",
"Remember men, you are fighting for this lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did. Groucho Marx",
"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx",
"There's only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook. Groucho Marx",
"There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire! Groucho Marx",
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. Groucho Marx",
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Groucho Marx",
"We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next
year. Groucho Marx",
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. Groucho Marx",
"Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx",
"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it. Groucho Marx",
"A man in love is like a clipped coupon -- it's time to cash in. Mae West",
"A hard man... is good to find. Mae West",
"Give a man a free hand... and he'll run it all over you. Mae West",
"Good sex is like good Bridge... If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Mae West",
"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Mae West",
"It's not the men in my life that counts -- it's the life in my men. Mae West",
"I used to be Snow White... but I drifted. Mae West",
"It's better to be looked over, than overlooked. Mae West",
"Those who are easily shocked... should be shocked more often. Mae West",
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. Mae West",
"When I'm good I'm very good, but when I'm bad I'm better. Mae West",
"When a girl goes wrong, men go right... after her. Mae West",
"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. Mark Twain",
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain",
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. Mark Twain.",
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain.",
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. Mark Twain",
"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. Mark Twain",
"Adventure is a sign of incompetence.",
"Afterism: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.",
"Air is water with holes in it.",
"All generalizations are useless, including this one.",
"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.",
"All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.",
"Always take both skis off before hanging them up.",
"Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.",
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if it is aimed well.",
"An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.",
"An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.",
"An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.",
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.",
"Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.",
"We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.",
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.",
"A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'",
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.",
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.",
"Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The other one says 'so are you, you fat bast**d!'",
"Two cannibals eating a clown.One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'",
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.",
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.",
"I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.",
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.",
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'",
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'",
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'",
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'",
"I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said butchly! 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said campily! 'Make
your mind up.'",
"So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?'He said 'My dog's died.'",
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'",
"So I rang up my local swimming baths.I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'",
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'",
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'",
"Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.",
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.",
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual.",
"A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? Well, says the vet, let's have a look at him.So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' What? Because he's cross-eyed? No, because he's really heavy.",
"Guy goes into the doctor's. Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.How's that?Don't you start",
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'",
"I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'",
"I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...",
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'",
"I went to the doctors' He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch' I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'",
"A neutron walks into a bar. ´I'd like a beer´ he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. ´How much will that be?´ asks the neutron. ´For you?´ replies the bartender ´No Charge´",
"Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. ",
"I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.",
"I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.",
"Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when i woke up the pillow was gone.",
"I went to the doctors He said 'What appears to be the problem?' I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away' He said 'How can I help?' I said 'Break my arms!'",
"My wife had a go at me last night She said 'You'll drive me to my grave' 'I had the car out in thirty seconds'",
after seeing the number of these one liners, i stopped counting.
duh!
keep smiling/laughing/abusing!!
peace
ANX.
You might probably call me crazy......inevitable...DUH!!
1."Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.",
2."I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.",
3."A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'",
4. "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.",
5. "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.",
6. "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.",
7. "There are only three laws of nature, and one exception:- 1) F=ma; 2) E=m(c squared); 3) You can't push a rope - From these three laws all others can be derived.",
8."Old mathematicians never die, they just lose their functions.",
9."Old astronauts never die, they just go to another world",
10."The faster you go, the shorter you are - Einstein",
11."All that glitters has a high refractive index.",
12."The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest",
13."Going at the speed of light is bad for your age.",
14."Gravity: Not just a good idea...it's the LAW.",
15. "Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm)",
16."A probability is a desperate attempt of chaos to become stable.",
17."Old chemists never die, they just smell that way.",
18."Life is a sexually transmitted disease",
19."Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.",
20."SATTINGER'S LAW: It works better if you plug it in.",
21."Murphy's Mother's Law: My son was right...",
22."JENKINSON'S LAW: It won't work.",
23."O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS: Murphy was an optimist.",
24."JONES'S LAW The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.",
25."THE LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.",
26."Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.",
27."Epstein's Axiom: With extremely few exceptions, nothing is worth the trouble.",
28."Bodies in motion tend to remain in motion. Bodies at rest tend to remain in bed.",
29."Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].",
30."Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.",
31."There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other, Do you know how to drive this?",
32."This skeleton walks into a bar and says, I'd like a beer and a mop...",
33."Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible. ",
34."I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ",
35."It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. ",
36."For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.",
37."Four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...",
38."Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.",
39."Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.",
40."Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy.",
41."God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.",
42."Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.",
43."Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.",
44."Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.",
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.",
"Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.",
"How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.",
"I am going to live forever, or die trying!",
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.",
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.",
"I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.",
"I would never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member",
"I'd like to meet the person who invented sex, and see what he's working on now.",
"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.",
"If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.",
"If God is so great, how come everything he makes dies?",
"If in doubt, mumble.",
"If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.",
"If sound can't travel in a vacuum, why are vacuum cleaners so noisy?",
"If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.",
"If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.",
"If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.",
"If you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.",
"If you look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel.",
"Illiterate? Write for free help.",
"In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.",
"It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.",
"It is better to light one candle than to torch a wax museum with a flamethrower.",
"It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.",
"It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.",
"It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word",
"Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.",
"Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.",
"Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.",
"Life is difficult because it is non-linear.",
"Life: A brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.",
"Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.",
"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.",
"Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.",
"LSD soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess reality.",
"Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.",
"Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one?",
"Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.",
"Matter cannot be created or destroyed; nor can it be returned without a receipt.",
"Microwaves frizz your heir.",
"Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable.",
"Modesty: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.",
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.",
"Mountain climbers rope together to prevent the sensible ones from going home.",
"Necessity is a mother.",
"Never have any children, only grandchildren.",
"Never laugh at live dragons.",
"Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.",
"Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.",
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.",
"No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.",
"Nothing is impossible if you have a big enough hammer.",
"Often it is fatal to live too long.",
"One bit of advice: Don't give it.",
"One thing leads to another, and usually does.",
"Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.",
"Paper is always strongest at the perforations.",
"Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.",
"Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe.",
"People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.",
"Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.",
"Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on Earth.",
"Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.",
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished. ",
"There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a
chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner. ",
"Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. ",
"The average Australian has one testicle and one breast and less than two legs",
"Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.",
"Mermaid mathematicians wear algaebras.",
"Moebius strippers only show you their back side.",
"Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.",
"I can travel through time, and I do ... at the unremarkable rate of one second per second.",
"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.",
"All that glitters is not gold, but at least it contains free electrons.",
"A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.",
"Thunder is a rich source of loudness.",
"The wind is like the air, only pushier.",
"WETHERN'S LAW: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.",
"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.",
"Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.",
"Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.",
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met",
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...",
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.",
"I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.",
"Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.",
"A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.",
"The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.",
"If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produce enough sound energy
to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)",
"If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.",
"A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.",
"Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.",
"An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.",
"The 7 Dwarves were in bed feeling happy. Then Happy got out, so they felt grumpy.",
"six munfs ago I cudn’t even spel executiv .now I am butter.",
"Old accountants never die ,they just lose their balance.",
"If we learn from our mistakes, then I am getting a fantastic education.",
"Diarrhoea waits for no man.",
"Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.",
"The road to success is usually under construction.",
"God is silent. Now if we can only get Man to shut up.",
"Reincarnation is making a comeback.",
"Some people are like blisters - they appear when the work is done.",
"The meek shall inherit the earth - if that's all right with you?",
"Autopsy is a dying art.",
"If God meant us to fly - he'd buy the tickets.",
"Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children.",
"I wouldn't be paranoid if people didn't pick on me.",
"Save trees - eat a beaver.",
"Keep death off the roads - drive on the pavement.",
"Watership Down: You've read the book, you've seen the film - now try the stew.",
"An elephant is a mouse designed to government specification.",
"Save water - dilute it.",
"I used to be arrogant, but now I'm perfect.",
"Prevent accidents - start doing things on purpose.",
"Graffiti in men's public toilet: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING UP ON THE WALL FOR? THE
JOKE IS IN YOUR HANDS.",
"Graffiti on condom machine in pub toilets: Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber.",
"God must love stupid people...He made so many!",
"Incest is relative",
"How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb? ",
"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.It's just the drunker I sit
here the longer I get.",
"Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.",
"I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.",
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.",
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.",
"Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.",
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.",
"Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency.",
"Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.",
"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.",
"Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first.",
"Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.",
"Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.",
"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.",
"I can resist anything but temptation.",
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.",
"Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down",
"Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.",
"The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know.",
"5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.",
"All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.",
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.",
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. ",
"The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. ",
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. ",
"I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. ",
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture. ",
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. ",
"I am writing this slowly because I know that you can't read very fast. ",
"Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. ",
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. ",
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit
each other.",
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. ",
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. ",
"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. ",
"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. ",
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. ",
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. ",
"I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers. ",
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. ",
"A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing. ",
"All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power ",
"I'm not nearly as think as you confused I am. ",
"If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft. ",
"Include this in your CONFIG.SYS File: BUGS=OFF ",
"Is it possible to feel gruntled? ",
"It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. ",
"Keyboard Not Found - Press [F1] to Continue ",
"Microsoft Windows... a virus with mouse support. ",
"Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired. ",
"My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours. ",
"My other computer is an abacus. ",
"Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers ",
"Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason. ",
"One tactical thermonuclear weapon can ruin your whole day. ",
"People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses. ",
"Pound forehead on keyboard to continue. ",
"Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark.",
"Show me a sane man, I'll cure him for you. ",
"Some people are, through no fault of their own, sane. ",
"The best substitute for experience is being sixteen.",
"The best way to win an argument is to be right. ",
"The worst thing about censorship is ********************. ",
"To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer.",
"What does ignorant mean? ",
"The hub is on fire. Please leave in an orderly fashion.",
"Your mum's on the phone.",
"Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. ",
"The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. ",
"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. ",
"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control ",
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. ",
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.",
"Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.",
"Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them doing it.",
"Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined",
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.",
"Familiarity breeds children.",
"Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.",
"Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.",
"Don't look now, but there are rings around Uranus.",
"I started out with nothing...I still have most of it. ",
"Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. ",
"If all is not lost, where is it? ",
"It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. ",
"If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished. ",
"More than 90% of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.",
"Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat
begged for bread in as little as two days. ",
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. ",
"Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.",
"Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.",
"Committee: The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.",
"Confidence: The feeling you have before you understand the situation.",
"Confucius say too much.",
"Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.",
"Crime does not pay... as well as politics.",
"Death has been proven to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats.",
"Dentists are incapable of asking questions that need a simple yes or no answer.",
"Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.",
"Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.",
"Don't force it, get a larger hammer.",
"Don't lend people money... it gives them amnesia.",
"Don't use no double negatives, not never.",
"To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before
the air can get back in. ",
"The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. ",
"A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. ",
"Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. ",
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. ",
"A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. ",
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. ",
"File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)",
"Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT' ?",
"Computer: A device designed to speed up and automate errors. ",
"I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details",
"A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. ",
"A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. ",
"Why is the alphabet in that order? ",
"I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem. ",
"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, do the other trees make fun of it? ",
"Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? ",
"Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. ",
"OK, so what's the speed of dark? ",
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. ",
"A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.",
"A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.",
"A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.",
"A committee is an animal with at least six legs, and no brain.",
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.",
"A harp is a nude piano.",
"A soft drink turneth away company.",
"Bachelor: A man who never made the same mistake once.",
"Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats.",
"Best gift for the person who has everything: A burglar alarm.",
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.",
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.",
"Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.",
"By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.",
"Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.",
"Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.",
"Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.",
"Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.",
"Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.",
"Speed is n subsittute fo accurancy.",
"Strategy is when you keep firing so the enemy doesn't know you're out of ammo.",
"Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.",
"Sweater: A garment worn by a child when his parent feels chilly.",
"The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.",
"The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.",
"The death rate on Earth is: One per person.",
"The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever.",
"The idea is to die young as late as possible.",
"The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.",
"The other line always moves faster.",
"The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.",
"The second best policy is dishonesty.",
"The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this Earth.",
"The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think.",
"The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.",
"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.",
"The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.",
"The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z.",
"There is an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.",
"There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.",
"There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.",
"Things are more like they used to be than they are now.",
"This is a crude version of a more advanced joke that has never been written.",
"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.",
"Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.",
"To get it done: Do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.",
"Tragedy: A busload of lawyers driving off a cliff with three empty seats.",
"TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.",
"Two heads are more numerous than one.",
"Vote anarchist.",
"We will get along fine as soon as you realize I am God.",
"What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.",
"What is the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same.",
"When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.",
"Whenever anyone says, 'theoretically', they really mean, 'not really'",
"Whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.",
"Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, it was the dinosaur.",
"White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.",
"Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?",
"Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.",
"Women want one man to meet every need; men want every woman to meet one need.",
"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.",
"You look like a million dollars... All green and wrinkled.",
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.",
"Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.",
"Drugs are the scenic route to nowhere.",
"Easiest way to figure the cost of living: Take your income and add ten percent.",
"Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you that day.",
"Eloquence is logic on fire.",
"Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.",
"A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.",
"A watched clock never boils.",
"Accident: When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.",
"Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.",
"Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.",
"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. Mark Twain",
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain",
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. Mark Twain",
"The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them. Mark Twain",
"Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to. Mark Twain",
"The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot. Mark Twain",
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. Lily Tomlin",
"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. Gandhi",
"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Albert Einstein",
"The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable. Paul Dean",
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk. Stephen King",
"If you water it and it dies, it's a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed. Gallagher",
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx",
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain",
"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. Mark Twain",
"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.. Mark Twain",
"In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination. Mark Twain",
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. Mark Twain",
"I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection. Groucho Marx",
"I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself. Groucho Marx",
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it . Groucho Marx",
"I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me. Groucho Marx",
"Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know. Groucho Marx",
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. Frieda Norris",
"If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country. Mayor Marion Barry",
"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids. Does this mean that the other three enjoy it? Sal Davino",
"Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking. HL Mencken",
"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget is once. E Joseph Cossman",
"Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others. Oscar Wilde",
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have for instance. Franklin P. Jones",
"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Satchel Paige",
"To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. Benjamin Franklin",
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry",
"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often. Oliver Herford",
"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. Doug Larson",
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. Voltaire",
"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. H.G. Wells",
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde",
"America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up. Oscar Wilde",
"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. Oscar Wilde",
"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. Oscar Wilde",
"(Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded:) Yes, if every other form of
persuasion fails. W C Fields",
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill",
"The Americans will always do the right thing... after they've exhausted all the alternatives.
Winston Churchill",
"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. Sacha Guitry",
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln",
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain",
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx",
"Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them. Abraham Lincoln",
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. George Burns",
"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. George Burns",
"First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did. George Burns",
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city. George Burns",
"The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly. Abraham Lincoln",
"Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman . . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand. George Burns",
"I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch. George Burns",
"If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred. George Burns",
"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. George Burns",
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. George Burns",
"You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns",
"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. Groucho Marx",
"Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. Groucho Marx",
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx",
"Blood's not thicker than money. Groucho Marx",
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. Groucho Marx",
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. Groucho Marx",
"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. Groucho Marx",
"Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! Groucho Marx ",
"How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them. Groucho Marx",
"I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home. Groucho Marx",
"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. Groucho Marx",
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx",
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx",
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Groucho Marx",
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Groucho Marx",
"Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx",
"Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here! Groucho Marx",
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. Groucho Marx",
"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. Groucho Marx",
"Remember men, you are fighting for this lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did. Groucho Marx",
"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx",
"There's only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook. Groucho Marx",
"There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire! Groucho Marx",
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. Groucho Marx",
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Groucho Marx",
"We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next
year. Groucho Marx",
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. Groucho Marx",
"Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx",
"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it. Groucho Marx",
"A man in love is like a clipped coupon -- it's time to cash in. Mae West",
"A hard man... is good to find. Mae West",
"Give a man a free hand... and he'll run it all over you. Mae West",
"Good sex is like good Bridge... If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Mae West",
"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Mae West",
"It's not the men in my life that counts -- it's the life in my men. Mae West",
"I used to be Snow White... but I drifted. Mae West",
"It's better to be looked over, than overlooked. Mae West",
"Those who are easily shocked... should be shocked more often. Mae West",
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. Mae West",
"When I'm good I'm very good, but when I'm bad I'm better. Mae West",
"When a girl goes wrong, men go right... after her. Mae West",
"Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. Mark Twain",
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain",
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. Mark Twain.",
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain.",
"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. Mark Twain",
"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. Mark Twain",
"Adventure is a sign of incompetence.",
"Afterism: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.",
"Air is water with holes in it.",
"All generalizations are useless, including this one.",
"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.",
"All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.",
"Always take both skis off before hanging them up.",
"Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.",
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if it is aimed well.",
"An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.",
"An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.",
"An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.",
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.",
"Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.",
"We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.",
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.",
"A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'",
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.",
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.",
"Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The other one says 'so are you, you fat bast**d!'",
"Two cannibals eating a clown.One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'",
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.",
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.",
"I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.",
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.",
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'",
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'",
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'",
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'",
"I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said butchly! 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said campily! 'Make
your mind up.'",
"So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?'He said 'My dog's died.'",
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'",
"So I rang up my local swimming baths.I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'",
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'",
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'",
"Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.",
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.",
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual.",
"A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? Well, says the vet, let's have a look at him.So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' What? Because he's cross-eyed? No, because he's really heavy.",
"Guy goes into the doctor's. Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.How's that?Don't you start",
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'",
"I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'",
"I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...",
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'",
"I went to the doctors' He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch' I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'",
"A neutron walks into a bar. ´I'd like a beer´ he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. ´How much will that be?´ asks the neutron. ´For you?´ replies the bartender ´No Charge´",
"Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. ",
"I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.",
"I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.",
"Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when i woke up the pillow was gone.",
"I went to the doctors He said 'What appears to be the problem?' I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away' He said 'How can I help?' I said 'Break my arms!'",
"My wife had a go at me last night She said 'You'll drive me to my grave' 'I had the car out in thirty seconds'",
after seeing the number of these one liners, i stopped counting.
duh!
keep smiling/laughing/abusing!!
peace
ANX.
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