Im crazy...more of it....

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

He who laughs last thinks slowest
.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Honk if you want to see my finger.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.


Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.



Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Keep honking. I'm reloading.

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Assassins do it from behind.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set

Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?


I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!